Book Study and Positive Thinking

A few years ago, I was in a weekly book study. I loved it! Sometimes I would substitute for the leader. I have always loved 'teaching' in a round table setting, books in front of us, on the table. I do miss those times, but I am just trying to survive the weeks nowadays.

I am literally taking mom to one or two doctor visits, and/or tests every week. I am so tired of it. 

She is finally saying that she is tired of it as well, but what do we cancel? A skin graft? Can't do that. It may be the only thing that works! Three rounds of antibiotics and special creams have not.

She hasn't had a yearly mammogram in a bit, so I shouldn't cancel that either. She starts PT again and I have been asking for that order to be filled for awhile, so no way am I going to cancel that. 

So, I trudge through. I don't like "sickies" I joke around, and that includes me when I am ill ! I worked in the medical field a few years and I hated it 80% of the time. I was in 'Research' in a dark front office corner that shared a bathroom and supply closet. 

And dead files. Everyone said it was haunted. I did experience a little weirdness, but nothing like Debbie would experience when I was off. It wasn't great when Debbie would be in there with me. In general, I didn't have faith in anyone who worked there. 

When I pointed out 'iffy' procedures, I was told off, "We are a cardiology institute, so  heart patients, there will always be tests." My point was they were always right before London and Carribean trips for the doctors! I felt so many of them were not needed. 

Anyway, back to the Book Club... Whenever you lead or teach, you always learn more than the students and I recall I was substitute during one chapter in this woman's book about positive thinking. I studied hard and wrote down lots of ideas to do.

I don't know where I have picked up *ANY* positive thinking that I have. I admit I wait for the other shoe to fall often, but it's the environment. 

Mom is very negative and that may be her environment as well. I have had to implement not answering the telephone before bed because I can't sleep if my last call of the night is full of depressing, negative talk and then the nightmares when I do finally fall asleep! I feel guilty not answering, so last night I tried. Big mistake. Horrible, awful talk and I think it has made me physically ill. I know it has affected me mentally.

The chapter in the book study, I learned so much from, was about fully enjoying anything you were doing, so that when times were tough you could always think back on those happy times. I gave examples how it could give us that push to get through the hump we were in.

One girl said her car was broke down when I talked about drives with the window down, wind blowing through your hair. I didn't really have an answer, thinking at the time it was her just making an excuse to be happy. Now, I know better. 

I worry, as I think back on the positive happy times, if there will ever be any more? 

I also listen to a lot of stoicism talk/videos and one man speaks about amor fati and goes into actually being IN LOVE with what is happening to you daily. Not just "the love of fate" but being IN LOVE. I think how no one in their right mind would be in love with some of these weeks.

Mom's phone calls today have been so depressing.  I tell her, "Stop talking like that," but there is no way I can get it right with her anymore. I can only do what I can do. She needs more help than I can give and she refuses it. I am just thankful she can still be in her own home. She doesn't think she can, but she can. 

How do I fall in love with these days? How do I believe there will ever be happiness and good times again?

I used to 'counsel' a good friend once to list five things a day they were grateful for. I guess I need to 'counsel' myself. 

It's difficult to list close to the vest gratitudes, easier for me now to speak of universal things; the moon, the ocean, the breeze, the trees, the dogs. 

Those five things have to get me through. 

They will.