I Don't Even Know How to Quit

Already had someone tell me that being a quitter is not a good thing. 

Richard has a t-shirt with a wolf on it that says something like, "You don't fail until you quit," Something to that effect. 

In the last couple years I have quit so many multitude of things. Maybe I am a failure. 

I like to think it's more that I'm changing and I'm changing for the better by getting rid of things, not doing things that I used to do. 

Maybe I am not quitting as I am creating a brand new ME.

One thing I've quit is church.

Been in church almost all my life and not just attending and warming a pew. I have worked my arse off and totally for free. No pay, no salaries, stipend, not even reimbursement for all I have bought and given.

I've been on staff, a board member.  I've been the "boss" of other teachers, in charge of  money, been member of music teams, head of music and plays,  performances.

I've been in charge of other people numerous times.  Even been invited to give sermons, taught classes, studies. You name it, I have done it and most I have done with great joy.

If you know Scripture,  there is a verse that talks about, "Iron sharpens Iron," The church where I was a member, used the verse, basically to say another person will test you, it will help you to be tried by people. 

Well, I am the sharpest Iron there is. I can't even begin to write about how people in church hurt me.

When the covid pandemic began, it gave me an opportunity to think. And to quit. First, I quit in my head. Then, my heart. 

For quite a few years, I had already disagreed with politics, conspiracy theories, arguments in church.

I was totally against praising Trump and Pence from the pulpit. It happened so consistently it was pretty sickening.

I had not approved of many of the things that were going on regarding the hierarchy and promotion of people who were not worthy.  People were used as an advertising, "Look at this guy, we let in." It was gross. With their methods, it was insulting the people instead of building them up, plus it was always a recipe for failure, with no investigation or proper training.

I did not agree with so many people who were bringing guns inside the church. They were not able to handle a weapon and I felt less safe than I ever had in a place that should have been a sanctuary. The churches started promoting the wrong people to "security." If you had two guns, you were 'in.'

I disagreed with the offensive process the leadership took,  acting like they were getting ready for horrible mistreatment and punishment that never came.

I went a couple times with great disappointment and sorrow when making fun of mask- wearers was "the thing to do" The mood was, if you wore a mask you were living in fear and letting fear rule you.

Then, during a time that should have been a time of quiet reflection and grieving loss of life all over the world, the church was amped up to continue meeting in cars and lounge chairs in parking lots, trying to pass around the offering plate, insisting people join social media and groups they didn't want to get on to watch them preach and teach on video. 

The video messages were not about loss and grief. In my town, one church lost 45 members due to Covid 19,  but the video sermons were about still gathering, still meeting to take care of the "need" people have to be preached and catered to.

I couldn't stand it anymore and I quit. When I took stuff I was working on, (worth 80 dollars) with the key to the building in a tote box, and my $200 offering, I also took the most beautiful letter, basically saying it all was me, not them and I was leaving because I didn't want to hurt anyone. (I was close to hurting everyone!)

When talking to them, I believed it all to be settled, all fine, we parted on good terms and so on. Cried and hugged, said bye for now. 

A couple days later, I received texts saying I "quit wrong" and to not quit "that way" at the next church I would go to.

Well, I never went to another church and I am never going to any church ever again.

According to the church I left, I don't even know how to quit properly.